The theme of conflict management is at the beating heart of this Winter 2023 Update blog project. Short of people who have gained spiritual mastery of themselves, navigating personal conflicts remains an unavoidable part of most people’s daily lives. Studies show that people spend nearly 3 hours per week engaged in some form of workplace-related conflicts. And that’s not even accounting for conflicts we engage in with families and friends in our free time! Even if the statistics are exaggerated, it’s still startling to consider that we are so poorly equipped by default to advocate for our personal needs. Robert Hunt’s Mastering Confrontation: Become an Expert at Effective Communication. Master the Art of Dealing with Conflict makes a convincing case that we waste precious energy fighting with people with whom we should be communicating in more meaningful—i.e., both more effective and peaceful—ways. The premise behind Mastering Confrontation is that our view of confrontation influences our approach to it. Instead of confrontation being something best avoided, ostensibly because it necessitates subjecting ourselves and other people to criticism that may lead to embarrassment and hurt feelings, we can view confrontation as a catalyst for positive growth. When the value of confrontation is disentangled from our hang ups with it, we can approach confrontations as an opportunity to learn more about others, fuel innovative new ideas, and develop solidarity through collaboration. Of course, not all issues can be resolved fairly, so Hunt also details how to discern when it’s time to quit. But before we call it quits, we can all empower ourselves through developing a greater appreciation for patience and active listening that will make us not only more effective communicators but also more peaceful human beings.

Patrick King’s The Art of Everyday Assertiveness: Speak Up. Say No. Set Boundaries. Take Back Control. serves as a fitting counterpart—in spirit—to Robert Hunt’s Mastering Confrontation: Become an Expert at Effective Communication. Master the Art of Dealing with Conflict. To be clear, both books address the issues inherent in navigating interpersonal relationships. Furthermore, both books advocate for healthier modes of communication in our human affairs. But whereas a conflict often implies a differing opinion or belief held by multiple parties regarding a mutually agreed upon issue, the issue of personal boundaries is often more encompassing in its applications, less overt in its manifestations, and doesn’t necessitate the awareness or buy-in of multiple parties. Boundaries, simply put, are something we create by and for ourselves for reasons that are entirely our own. King explores a variety of strategies that people can use to manage healthier boundaries in their lives, including cognitive behavior therapy and exposure therapy. At the most basic level, however, the main tool for implementing boundaries in our lives, after we are clear about the underlying issue, is assertiveness. In a brilliantly simple way, King places assertiveness as the ideal mode of communication along a spectrum ranging from aggression on one end and passiveness and passive aggressiveness on the other end. For people inclined to overcorrection, we are cautioned that being assertive is not incompatible with being accommodating and agreeable. Rather, being assertive is about appreciating that nobody else is entitled to our precious time and energy. It’s never too late to ask for what you really want and gain respect, from yourself and others, in the process. In an effort to make his teachings actionable, King offers a 28-day assertiveness action plan to jumpstart both the chronically overwhelmed people pleasers along with those who just need a little tune-up. If saying no to people is often a challenge for you, like it has long been for me, then The Art of Everyday Assertiveness may be the text that inspires a much-needed life transformation. 

Those who don’t like to read, or don’t have time to do so, will find a sympathetic author with Don Miguel Ruiz. Don Miguel Ruiz has dedicated his life to sharing the wisdom of the ancient Toltecs, an ancient people of southern Mexico who were known for their great knowledge. Avoiding the pitfalls of both New Ageism and academia, Don Miguel Ruiz writes without pith or pretense, trusting that the wisdom he shares is intuitive enough to resonate with readers viscerally, striking simultaneously in the brain, heart, and stomach. The main argument underlining The Four Agreements is that our lives are governed by the agreements that we make. An agreement is an arrangement that we make with ourselves, and for ourselves, about how we live in accordance with the roles we adopt in the world. The four agreements include: 1) Be impeccable with your word; 2) Don’t take anything personally; 3) Don’t make assumptions; and 4) Always do your best. These agreements also imply stories we craft about ourselves and the world. Oftentimes, we don’t reflect upon where our stories come from and what purpose they serve us. Furthermore, our stories lead to self-perpetuating narratives that can limit our growth potential. But we always have the right and responsibility to question the stories we hold to be true. We have a choice to make between choosing a path of suffering or liberation. 

Perfectionism isn’t a theme I addressed explicitly in this Winter 2023 blog project. Yet it complicates the relationships I have shared with many people in addition to my professional and creative projects—including this blog project with its laborious two-year conception. For me, perfectionism is most likely a habit I picked up from my upbringing, finding myself under the influence of demanding figures in my life. Whether I was chronically struggling with my math homework or improperly attending to my house errands, I seemingly chronically fell well short of other people’s rigid standards. Eventually I grew up and realized that it was my responsibility to question the narrative voices from my past that I had been choosing to believe and continue carrying with me—like luggage with someone else’s name on it. But before I can accept myself as I am now, someone whose self-worth is independent of my egoic strivings, I have learned the necessity of accepting the damage caused by my counterproductive narratives, recognizing the signs of their toxic influence, and then taking steps to change my thinking patterns and behaviors. Although I tend to avoid workbooks, because it’s easier to read theories than it is to reflect upon how certain concepts apply within my life, Newendorp succeeds in creating purposeful exercises that inspire actionable steps for creating changes within one’s life. It helps that Newendorp has a background as a clinical therapist and offers grounding approaches to implementing mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy practices. It’s never too late to get off the perfectionist treadmill and find peace that isn’t conditioned upon one’s accomplishments. 

So many people around the world are experiencing burnout these days, and often unnecessarily. Therapist and pastor Chuck DeGroat makes a moving case in Wholeheartedness: Busyness, Exhaustion, and Healing the Divided Self that the drive for busyness so common in contemporary cultures has been misunderstood and misdiagnosed. The kind of busyness DeGroat examines can’t be medicated or alleviated by an occasional vacation. The kind of busyness DeGroat refers to is deeply existential: It is born of a divided self and begets yet more division. Readers who are open to the Judaeo-Christian tradition will find a gentle voice grounded in a Biblical worldview supplemented by a background in psychotherapy and psychology. Implicit within DeGroat’s position is that we all struggle in the aftermath of our disunion with God, misidentifying ourselves with our own vain labors. One person prides themselves in their worldly knowledge; another in their stock portfolio; and yet someone else in their acts of philanthropy. But try as we might, we are fighting with fire—our acts of production won’t redeem us; lasting peace of mind and being can’t be gained through our own devices. Only rooting our identities in wholeheartedness, in alignment with our higher being, or, in DeGroat’s belief system, in alignment with God’s Word and Spirit, will bring us a lasting grounding that can’t be counterfeited. Because good ideas and inspiration aren’t always enough, Wholeheartedness includes chapter exercises to work through for those who like a little homework. Readers who are agnostic or secular will still find much that is compelling in DeGroat’s work. Ultimately, since we all inevitably fall short of ideals, including the ones we set for ourselves, the concept of wholeness is relevant enough to apply to human nature as a whole. 

At 115 pages, Parker J. Palmer’s Let Your Life Speak is the slimmest book in this media list, making it the perfect leaflet to be read in a gently bustling park one warm spring day. But Palmer’s lived wisdom shouldn’t be downed in one casual sitting; it speaks all the more clearly and profoundly when it is slowly savored. With a career spanning a doctoral education in sociology, community organizing in Washington, D.C., and long-term residency in a Quaker commune, Parker has lived with curiosity and compassion in response to personal failures, setbacks, and battles with depression. Key to letting our life speak is first separating the difference between a profession and a vocation. While the former is often motivated by a paycheck, to the end of supporting one’s primal survival drives, Parker outlines the latter quite poetically as the alignment of one’s greater being with the greater good of humanity, “True vocation joins self and service.” A vocation is really an expression of one’s life calling. Presbyterian minister Frederick Buechner deepens the definition, suggesting that true vocation belongs “where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep needs.” The titular phrase in the book ,”Let your life speak”, is a traditional Quaker instruction about living in witness to the deep truths that are particular to each individual. For Parker, finding the right calling involves finding companionship—a kind of union which is neither romantic nor religious. In our own way, we are called to rise to the type of service that we can’t help doing for ourselves in addition to others. Although our individual journeys all differ, the drive towards a common end binds us all together.

The Enneagram of Personality Types is an ancient conceptual model for assessing the nature of human personality. I find the Enneagram to be more humanizing than the more clinical psychology standard of the Big Five personality test. In contrast to the Big Five’s data-driven approach, the Enneagram envisions a more subtle perspective of human behavior that is equally deep yet more fluid and hopeful. Of course, a human being is far more complicated than any test can fully account for. But it still helps to orient one’s understanding around objective insights. What makes Dr. Drew’s book unique, within an ever-expanding forest of Enneagram literature, is its focus on the implications that personality has for decision making. Sometimes embracing our strengths involves appreciating our weaknesses. Through introducing nine questions designed to illuminate one’s vocation, calling, and passions, The Enneagram of Discernment balances an intriguing mixture of fields ranging beyond psychology into neuroscience, theology, and spirituality, providing practical wisdom that can help us cultivate greater awareness and meaning in our lives. Better yet, when we are grounded in a fulfilling vocation, our increased wellbeing also pay dividends in our personal relationships. The more we gain through self-love, the more we have to offer other people.

I am certainly not immune to the allure of prestige. Yet in the era of the Information Age, when reactionary consumerism seems to drive so much of our palette preferences, it’s easy for me to become cynical at the accolades fawned upon cultural classics old and new—especially the best-sellers. Considered one of the all-time top 50 best self-help and personal development books, William Bridges’ Transitions (40th Anniversary Edition): Making Sense of Life’s Changes transcends my cynicism, proving itself to be a timeless treasure with universal appeal. Every culture throughout humanity seems to have its heroes and bards who comment upon change as the essential matter of life. Try as we might, encountering change in one’s life is unavoidable. However, like the theme of conflict, change often suffers from bad optics requiring a deeper appreciation. Changes, as the promotional copy for Transitions reads, can bring both opportunities and turmoil. In Transitions Bridges reframes changes as portals between dynamic stages in our lives that are full of activity: The Ending, and The New Beginning. And in between these two stages lies another transition: The Neutral Zone. We have the right to feel lost, lonely, and confused in The Neutral Zone. That’s normal. But without the dual curse and blessing of this overlooked desert territory, without taking time to wander through the twilight wasteland where coyotes and cicadas thrive, we can’t emerge with a new vision, new goals, new dreams with which to guide us next. Seen from this vantage, transitions, whether personal or professional, serve as memorial celebrations of the valuable, and unavoidable, changing seasons that make up our colorful lives.